In case no one has noticed, I usually title these posts from books I've read or quotes...
Any how, I was writing earlier, and this is far from finished. It's so rough, but I thought if I posted it to my personal blog then maybe I'd generate ideas more quickly. Maybe it's stupid but...
"Tiny drops of crimson spread across my wrist
memories follow of the old sweet times
making the pain increase and annihilating my bliss
The rush of bare skin on bare skin, a frantic kiss
Fervored whispers of love, sealed with the ending of the day
Sunlight spreads across the stark white sheets
I stare back at you while you look right through me
I swore that day that you felt like home
Making me feel safe and vulnerable all at once
I wish we could have said forever,
but forever was never on your mind
Is this our homecoming dear?
Will you protect me once again?
I know we said a lot of things,
but now we can never just be friends.
If home is where the heart is,"
And yes. I am an epic fail. Like, seriously. I almost typed "epical fal" and "tiped."
Where's my brain?
-
Ripley
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Rules of Attraction
I like blogging. I prefer it to vlogging, because when you're writing, it's just you & you're thoughts. Eventually, you know someone must be reading what you type, but they can imagine your voice and mood as you go through the motions.
So tonights post is a reflection of my decisions. I want to be with him.. but it also scares me. Before everything happened, I was already slow to trust others... and now? I am one suspicious mofo. Trust is so difficult for to build with others... and when someone breaks that? Damn. I feel like I got screwed over. But I knew I'd forgive him. Why? Because, I love him. I tried to pretend I didn't because I didn't want to seem pathetic... and now...I just don't care. I'm gonna fight til I think nothings left. I used to say he feels like home, and today only proved my point even further. Lately, I've felt lost, and being around him... I struggled so much trying not to touch him that I tried to create space. It was unusual. And then later when I started crying I just wanted to hug him. Plus, I didn't want him to cry... he looked so close and then that would've made me feel worse. Maybe I'm stupid, but everything is so .... right I guess when I get talking to him, or around him. Maybe that's why I have dealt with all the pain when usually I would just say, "Fuck it. A guy who treats me like that isn't worth it."
......
He is. Even after all he's done, I could tell he was sincere in his apology. It was almost like he felt worse than I did. I want everything to be right. Maybe it'll take time, but if he's willing to be patient with me, it won't be bad.
People will rag on me for my decision, but frankly, I do not give a damn. No one else feels for me. That's my job. You cannot imagine the pain you go through when you feel like someone has picked someone else over you. The feeling that you're worthless. Because... honestly? He didn't break my heart...... He broke me. It may sound over dramatic, but that's how it felt. Like I had shattered into a trillion pieces and would never get them back.
Now, don't get me wrong, I tried to get over it. I failed. Epically. I missed him so bad; I wanted to tell him that... I had to claw at my legs to keep from doing something rash. He's just so familiar. Yes, I may be stupid, but love..? It makes my idiocy worth it.
At first it was like he fixed me... but then he broke me too. I guess that'll be hard to get over. But I don't want to become jaded. Or naive... Like Billy. He pissed me off. -____- He's so ignorant.
Anyways... jaded... blah blah blah... I don't want to become distrustful. I may be slow to trust, but not distrustful either. Awh..... I'm not running out of things to say, I just can't phrase everything properly.
So key points:
1. Falling in love has made me pathetic.
2. I thought I wasn't dependent on him, yet I was, somewhat still am.
3. How do you trusts what someone says, when they lied, but they lied in two directions?
4. How do you deal with these emotions as a teen, when they feel unrealistic?
5. When did I become such a girl? :P
Food for thought,
Ripley.
So tonights post is a reflection of my decisions. I want to be with him.. but it also scares me. Before everything happened, I was already slow to trust others... and now? I am one suspicious mofo. Trust is so difficult for to build with others... and when someone breaks that? Damn. I feel like I got screwed over. But I knew I'd forgive him. Why? Because, I love him. I tried to pretend I didn't because I didn't want to seem pathetic... and now...I just don't care. I'm gonna fight til I think nothings left. I used to say he feels like home, and today only proved my point even further. Lately, I've felt lost, and being around him... I struggled so much trying not to touch him that I tried to create space. It was unusual. And then later when I started crying I just wanted to hug him. Plus, I didn't want him to cry... he looked so close and then that would've made me feel worse. Maybe I'm stupid, but everything is so .... right I guess when I get talking to him, or around him. Maybe that's why I have dealt with all the pain when usually I would just say, "Fuck it. A guy who treats me like that isn't worth it."
......
He is. Even after all he's done, I could tell he was sincere in his apology. It was almost like he felt worse than I did. I want everything to be right. Maybe it'll take time, but if he's willing to be patient with me, it won't be bad.
People will rag on me for my decision, but frankly, I do not give a damn. No one else feels for me. That's my job. You cannot imagine the pain you go through when you feel like someone has picked someone else over you. The feeling that you're worthless. Because... honestly? He didn't break my heart...... He broke me. It may sound over dramatic, but that's how it felt. Like I had shattered into a trillion pieces and would never get them back.
Now, don't get me wrong, I tried to get over it. I failed. Epically. I missed him so bad; I wanted to tell him that... I had to claw at my legs to keep from doing something rash. He's just so familiar. Yes, I may be stupid, but love..? It makes my idiocy worth it.
At first it was like he fixed me... but then he broke me too. I guess that'll be hard to get over. But I don't want to become jaded. Or naive... Like Billy. He pissed me off. -____- He's so ignorant.
Anyways... jaded... blah blah blah... I don't want to become distrustful. I may be slow to trust, but not distrustful either. Awh..... I'm not running out of things to say, I just can't phrase everything properly.
So key points:
1. Falling in love has made me pathetic.
2. I thought I wasn't dependent on him, yet I was, somewhat still am.
3. How do you trusts what someone says, when they lied, but they lied in two directions?
4. How do you deal with these emotions as a teen, when they feel unrealistic?
5. When did I become such a girl? :P
Food for thought,
Ripley.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I doubt you'll read this:
But I miss you. It doesnt change a thing for you does it? I cant understand why I cant get over you. It's not getting better only worse and Im losing my mind all because you have all the best of me. Like I said once before, intertwined.
Sing me a song, tell me about
The things you're dealing with lately
I don't understand how you could
Sing to me lies, let them linger
Inside of me, give me a reason
To stay with you, just let me know
So I can run away faster than ever before
Counting down all of the hours I've spent here
Drowning in all of your lies dear
I wish that I could have been warned
So I'll tell them steer clear of Texas
To warn them and let them all know what's in store
To let them all know what's in store
I can't tell you how much I'd love to take back every word I said
You gave me every reason to ignore the lies you fed me then
And I'm so sorry dear, I must escape before you suffocate me
So I waited patiently as long as I could
Fought so hard for a girl, that I loved
But who later turned out to be someone I hardly knew
Counting down all of the hours I've spent here
Drowning in all of your lies dear
I wish that I could have been warned
So I'll tell them steer clear of Texas
To warn them and let them all know what's in store
To let them all know what's in store
(To let them all know you're a whore)
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
Alone now, I hope this is all that you wanted
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
And you'll be alone till, the time that you change, but you'll never change
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
Alone now, I hope this is all that you wanted
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
And you'll be alone till, the time that you change, but you'll never change
Alone now, I hope this is all that you wanted
Sing me a song, tell me about
The things you're dealing with lately
I don't understand how you could
Sing to me lies, let them linger
Inside of me, give me a reason
To stay with you, just let me know
So I can run away faster than ever before
Counting down all of the hours I've spent here
Drowning in all of your lies dear
I wish that I could have been warned
So I'll tell them steer clear of Texas
To warn them and let them all know what's in store
To let them all know what's in store
I can't tell you how much I'd love to take back every word I said
You gave me every reason to ignore the lies you fed me then
And I'm so sorry dear, I must escape before you suffocate me
So I waited patiently as long as I could
Fought so hard for a girl, that I loved
But who later turned out to be someone I hardly knew
Counting down all of the hours I've spent here
Drowning in all of your lies dear
I wish that I could have been warned
So I'll tell them steer clear of Texas
To warn them and let them all know what's in store
To let them all know what's in store
(To let them all know you're a whore)
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
Alone now, I hope this is all that you wanted
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
And you'll be alone till, the time that you change, but you'll never change
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
Alone now, I hope this is all that you wanted
Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright, trying to make this alright
And you'll be alone till, the time that you change, but you'll never change
Alone now, I hope this is all that you wanted
Monday, May 21, 2012
Facebook Monumental Posts
Saturday, April 28, 2012
I feel so weird. Some days I look in the mirror and all I do is criticize myself. Other times I see myself and feel like I'm beautiful. My friends bitch at me when I try to say how I feel, because (I guess) to them I am beautiful. But that's not always how I think myself. I know I'm not alone. But It feels like I am the only one who feels this way. What If I told you? That song describes everything.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
And then I realized; everyone lies. No matter how much they tell you or try to convince you they don't, they do. Some only tell white lies, but even the smallest of lies can become tangled in the largest of webs. Maybe one reason life exists is to find out whose lies are worth it and whose aren't. Because everyone lies, you must find a way to work through the lies. Aren't y'all loving my life posts lately?
Monday, April 30, 2012
I wish I could be one of those people who could just get over everything they still care about. Instead I just smile and laugh and make it look like I'm not drowning inside. I'm nice to everyone no matter what they do or have done to me. I forgive people so easily, but I don't view it as a weakness, no it's a strength. Take me, flawed as hell, or get on with your life.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
I never wanted to admit before, but something I've always wanted is that "cutesy" type of relationship. I wish I could talk with a guy about what we'd name our children, and what our wedding would be like, but I've never ever been that comfortable with a guy, even in my more serious relationships. I know it's not realistic, but even for pretend it's cute and fun. ♥ So there ya go. My confession.
Friday, May 04, 2012
We girls have a "vagina buddy" skill. No matter how much we hate or dislike another girl, if she is crying or upset then we will hug her. Presumably, some people call it two faced. I say it's better than always crying.
Saturday, May 05, 2012
&& I feel like I'm never enough. My friends tell me I am but they always seem to expect more from me. I always feel like I have to protect and nurture them, but at the same time, I just want someone to tell me they'll take care of me. I've always had to be the strong one. I took care of my sister. I try to be strong for my parents and friends. However, in reality, I'm sick of being strong. I want to be protected.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Ten years ago today, Mother's Day 2002, my family was in an almost fatal car wreck. Our jeep hit a pot-hole and flipped several times landing in an open field. (We were in North Carolina, going home from visiting my Grandma.) My Dad and I almost died. He broke his neck among other things, and I was on the side of the jeep in the air; I was choking to death cause I was too small to reach the seat buckle and unclip it. My sister saved me. Then she went and got help for my family. ♥ Appreciate all your family today, not just your mothers. Happy Mother's Day you guys.
I feel so weird. Some days I look in the mirror and all I do is criticize myself. Other times I see myself and feel like I'm beautiful. My friends bitch at me when I try to say how I feel, because (I guess) to them I am beautiful. But that's not always how I think myself. I know I'm not alone. But It feels like I am the only one who feels this way. What If I told you? That song describes everything.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
And then I realized; everyone lies. No matter how much they tell you or try to convince you they don't, they do. Some only tell white lies, but even the smallest of lies can become tangled in the largest of webs. Maybe one reason life exists is to find out whose lies are worth it and whose aren't. Because everyone lies, you must find a way to work through the lies. Aren't y'all loving my life posts lately?
Monday, April 30, 2012
I wish I could be one of those people who could just get over everything they still care about. Instead I just smile and laugh and make it look like I'm not drowning inside. I'm nice to everyone no matter what they do or have done to me. I forgive people so easily, but I don't view it as a weakness, no it's a strength. Take me, flawed as hell, or get on with your life.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
I never wanted to admit before, but something I've always wanted is that "cutesy" type of relationship. I wish I could talk with a guy about what we'd name our children, and what our wedding would be like, but I've never ever been that comfortable with a guy, even in my more serious relationships. I know it's not realistic, but even for pretend it's cute and fun. ♥ So there ya go. My confession.
Friday, May 04, 2012
We girls have a "vagina buddy" skill. No matter how much we hate or dislike another girl, if she is crying or upset then we will hug her. Presumably, some people call it two faced. I say it's better than always crying.
Saturday, May 05, 2012
&& I feel like I'm never enough. My friends tell me I am but they always seem to expect more from me. I always feel like I have to protect and nurture them, but at the same time, I just want someone to tell me they'll take care of me. I've always had to be the strong one. I took care of my sister. I try to be strong for my parents and friends. However, in reality, I'm sick of being strong. I want to be protected.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Ten years ago today, Mother's Day 2002, my family was in an almost fatal car wreck. Our jeep hit a pot-hole and flipped several times landing in an open field. (We were in North Carolina, going home from visiting my Grandma.) My Dad and I almost died. He broke his neck among other things, and I was on the side of the jeep in the air; I was choking to death cause I was too small to reach the seat buckle and unclip it. My sister saved me. Then she went and got help for my family. ♥ Appreciate all your family today, not just your mothers. Happy Mother's Day you guys.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
It truly amazes me...
How quickly my heart fixes itself. Seeing pictures, music, etc... they are just memories. No tears spring forth from memories any longer. Still the masses of boys trying to get with me are pretty damn annoying. It's not even been a week people! Don't assume I will date you, if you don't even ask me. Don't try to kiss me again; I will punch you next time. I need to get out of my friend group to meet someone. I need to be comfortably excited in love. Not awkward talking about sex. That should've been sign number one. I guess falling in love was easy but staying in love was more difficult. Now I have to deal with the love I don't want. More friendships to ruin, more hearts to break, and I am sorry. I won't force myself to like you. I love how I am typing like someone is listening. When no one is. It's something I have to decide for myself. Reality would suck balls man. I'm happy with who I am. If I have to change for others then It's not someone I wanna know or be with.
I think I have come to the point where I need to stop being nice. They won't take a hint >.< Grrrr. ASK ME SHIT DUMBASS BEFORE YOU ASSUME.
(Those who assume make an ass outta U and ME. )
But, Mark, don't tell me you're taking me to the movies, but please ask first. I'd probably have said no, but at least I wouldn't be nice about it.
Niceness. It's a fuckin' disease. I don't wanna be nice! D: Goddammit. Not only do I have to get close enough to a guy to trust them again, but I have to focus on my stopping being nice.
Holy Hell.
Opening up to a guy again shall be difficult to say the least. I just had gotten to a point in my relationship where I could be comfortable, and then woosh. My boyfriend gets stolen by a supposed friend.
I wish my boobs were bigger.
No I don't. Guys would only want me for my looks then, and I get enough of that now.
Its funny how all these guys decided to grow a pair after I get dumped. Honey, I aint that desperate.
Maybe if I were older. But getting over a relationship takes me say... three days? I cry for two, get angry for a few hours, and then say fuck it. Who cares? Not this girl :3
Now... maybe I should meet some seniors <3 Lalala.
Ripley.
I think I have come to the point where I need to stop being nice. They won't take a hint >.< Grrrr. ASK ME SHIT DUMBASS BEFORE YOU ASSUME.
(Those who assume make an ass outta U and ME. )
But, Mark, don't tell me you're taking me to the movies, but please ask first. I'd probably have said no, but at least I wouldn't be nice about it.
Niceness. It's a fuckin' disease. I don't wanna be nice! D: Goddammit. Not only do I have to get close enough to a guy to trust them again, but I have to focus on my stopping being nice.
Holy Hell.
Opening up to a guy again shall be difficult to say the least. I just had gotten to a point in my relationship where I could be comfortable, and then woosh. My boyfriend gets stolen by a supposed friend.
I wish my boobs were bigger.
No I don't. Guys would only want me for my looks then, and I get enough of that now.
Its funny how all these guys decided to grow a pair after I get dumped. Honey, I aint that desperate.
Maybe if I were older. But getting over a relationship takes me say... three days? I cry for two, get angry for a few hours, and then say fuck it. Who cares? Not this girl :3
Now... maybe I should meet some seniors <3 Lalala.
Ripley.
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